Why we tend to be attracted by a certain type of partner?
Have you ever stop thinking about your previous relationships?
Have you ever noticed if your previous partners might have some things in common?
Often people tend to answer that, this is not applicable to them, and they have been dating people who were quite different between them.
But what if we really take the time to reflect on the personalities and behavioural patterns of our previous partners?
I still remember the first time I did that, I wrote a list of all the positive and negative qualities of my previous partners, and I was really surprised to notice how certain personality traits were quite recurrent.
On this regard, Harville Hendrix and Helen Hunt have a fascinating theory about it.
They believe that what drive us in choosing a romantic partner is our IMAGO (which stand for “image” from Latin). The Imago is an unconscious picture of the people who influenced you the most at an early age (parents, siblings, or any other caretaker). This image is characterized by the way they behaved towards you and if they were able to fulfil your needs. Therefore, whether or not you have been romantically attracted by someone depended on the degree to which that parson matched your Imago.
Starting from this idea, they created the Imago Therapy, creating theories and practical tools to apply in the couple’s work. One of the main idea of their approach is that, often couple tends to argue to many different things on a daily basis, but most of the time, the main reason is often tends to be the same – “the two partners are likely to experience the same sensations they had with their caregivers”. Therefore, an unconscious level, this creates dissatisfaction in the current relationship. In fact, they believe that when two people enter in a relationship there is always the idea that your partner will be the one to satisfy your unmet needs when you were a child.
Harville & Helen, were able to demonstrate this theory, assigning an exercise to the couples they were working with, asking them to compare the personality traits of their partners, with the one of the people who raised them. In most cases there was a strong correlation between the two and also, the traits that match up the most closely were the negative traits.
But why this happens?
It’s important to mention that most of us don’t have lots of memories before we were 6 years old. Despite that, lot of research have demonstrated that lot of information are stored in our brain and not accessible on a conscious level. It seems, that our unconscious mind is also acting and functioning all the time, it doesn’t recognize time and space and it’s trapped in an eternal “now”. Therefore, if your caregivers were not able to meet your needs when you were a child, and inevitably made you feel unseen, unheard and unloved; your unconscious brain will try to constantly recreate your childhood environment in order to heal your childhood wounds.
Hence, the importance of becoming aware of your behavioural patterns, triggers and wounds that you have been carrying all along. As in this way, when navigating a difficult situation with your partner, you both will be able to recognize when you are falling back into old patterns. Also realize that during these times your partner is not your adversary but it’s actually, another human being, who is carrying past wounds, just like you – also remembering that you are in this journey together and you can help each other to create safety within your relationship. And, if you feel that you might struggle to navigate certain situations by yourselves, you can always access to professional support for more guidance.
Please see below references:
“Getting the love you want” from Harville Handrix & Helen Hunt
Harville Handrix & Helen Hunt website and a more deep dive into Imago Therapy and what is imply - https://harvilleandhelen.com/initiatives/what-is-imago/